Dear Dr. Karyn,
My daughter is 15 years old and she always wants to go for sleepovers. I'm reluctant because I've heard that it's at sleepovers when teens do things they really shouldn't be doing. Overall, my daughter is a really great kid but when it comes to sleepovers she says I'm being unreasonable and overprotective. I want to do the right thing. Any suggestions?

Answer:
The topic of sleepovers is a very popular one when I speak to parent groups across Canada. Many parents struggle to know whether or not it's a wise choice. Overall, I think sleepovers can be an amazing experience for teens; it can be a great time for bonding with friends. However, there are a few questions I would challenge you to think about before making your decision. First, would you say your daughter is responsible and trustworthy? Is she responsible with her schoolwork? Is she honest? Does she have an attitude of appreciation? Does she contribute around the house? In other words, can you trust her? If you can say ‘yes’, then you should let her go to the sleepover. You mentioned in your letter that she's a good kid. It's extremely important when we see our teens making wise decisions in some parts of their life that we extend more freedom to them in other areas. Remember, a strong character and good decision making skills will follow them through all areas of their life. That being said, I would also advise you to discuss 3 specific boundaries with her. First, let her know that you do need the location of the sleepover, obviously, and that she can only go if you know the parents are home. Second, discuss with her the issue about the amount of sleep. Many parents are reluctant about sleepovers because kids barely get any sleep during the night and then they are irritable and cranky when they get home. Discuss this with her and let her know that it's important to get as much sleep as possible. Also, let her know that if you see her highly irritable when she gets home, this will affect whether or not you allow her to go the next time. Third, talk about how often you will allow sleepovers to happen. Monthly? Annually? Let her know your expectations so she's selective about which sleepovers she chooses to go to. If, on the other hand, you answered no to my questions, that you believe your daughter is irresponsible and not trustworthy, then I would advise you to say ‘no’, but explain why. Teens need to hear the reasons to our decisions. But I would empower her by explaining what specific behaviours or attitude changes you would need to see in order for her to earn the privilege of a sleepover in the future.

How Should I Handle Sleepovers?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
My daughter has just turned 12 and desperately wants to go to sleepovers. What are the limits I should have on this?

Answer:
Sleepovers seem to be a common issue parents struggle with. In principle, sleepovers provide an amazing bonding experience for your child and their friends; overall, I’m in favour of sleepovers. However, there are 3 key boundaries questions you need to ask yourself. The first deals with an internal boundary: Does your child show you signs of responsibility? Do they come home when they say they will? Are they responsible with their tasks like dealing with school, money, or curfews? If a child is responsible in one area of their life, there is a greater chance they will be responsible in other areas of their life; it’s all dependant on character, the essence of who they are. The second question deals with an external boundary- the environment: Do you approve or like the people that they are staying with? Do you know them? Trust them? Respect them? Will there be parental supervision? These are all questions you should be confident about before granting permission. The final boundary question you need to talk about with your child: How often is your child allowed sleepovers? Make sure that you, the parent, are not paying the price for these sleepovers. Often children will get very little actual sleep at a sleepover and will be exhausted and irritable when they return home. Talk with your child in advance about your expectations, potential problems and what the solutions will be. Most importantly, work with your child so that it is a win-win for both of you.