SIBLING RIVALRY
How do you deal with sibling rivalry?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
When I see my kids argue what should I be doing? Should I get involved?

Answer:
Sibling rivalry happens. If you have a sibling, you probably fought at times throughout your childhood. Parents are often unsure how involved they should be when they see their children fighting. Here are two quick suggestions: First, ask yourself if there is any physical or emotional abuse happening? If the answer is yes, it’s very important you step in. Your home needs to be a refuge, a safe place to deal with all the other challenges you face in your life. It is your job as a parent to establish boundaries and ensure that your home is indeed safe for your children. If the rivalry consists more of teasing or arguing, it’s better for you to empower your children about how best they should each respond. If parents over-rescue or get too involved, it often deflates a child, indirectly giving them the message,“I don’t think you can handle this so I have to do it for you.” This will negatively affect not only their communication skills but also their self-esteem. In general, it’s much better to empower your children. Give them suggestions for how they might respond to each other. But more importantly, it’s necessary for you to just listen to each of them.  There are a lot of different reasons why children fight but the number one reason I hear is because of jealousy or insecurity. When a child feels less important, more vulnerable or less lovable, and they view a sibling as a threat to their own ego, rivalries may begin. Spend time building up your children, focusing on their strengths and their uniqueness. And coach them on how to respond to their siblings. Not only does this tend to increase their self-esteem, often the rivalries will decrease as well.