Dear Dr. Karyn,
My teenage daughter has extremely low self-esteem and I am worried. We have already seen 3 counselors. What else can I do?

Answer:
As a parent, you must understand you cannot control your teen’s self-esteem; only your teen can change her self-esteem. However, you can highly influence her attitude of herself. Here are three tips. First, if you hear your daughter make a negative comment about herself, gently challenge her negative thought. Our heart doesn't know the difference between a truth and lie. Whatever we repeatedly tell ourselves, our heart will automatically believe. So challenge her. Is her statement truthful and loving? If not, how else could she word it? Help her restate her comments in a positive and loving way. Second, be sure to encourage and affirm your daughter daily! When you affirm, remember to affirm character traits, not just behaviour. Many teens will hear a compliment about their behaviour and perceive it as conditional love. Third and most important, be a model of healthy self-esteem. Be kind, love and respect yourself just as you want your daughter to love and respect herself. If you want to read more on this, check out my Analyse Your Teen: 4 Part CD Series for parents. It offers 7 practical ways to esteem your teen.

How Can I Build My Child’s Self-Esteem?

Dear Dr. Karyn
I’ve heard that one of the most amazing things parents can do for their kids is build their self-esteem. But I don’t know exactly how to do this? Please advise.

Answer:
There are hundreds of ways to build your child’s self-esteem. For some of the most effective ways, you can check out my Analyse Your Teen CD series. This series teaches 7 powerful ways to build your child’s self-esteem. One of the most effective ways for parents to build their child’s self-esteem is to model it. If you as a parent put yourself down, if you put other people down, if you communicate aggressively or passive-aggressively, or if you are afraid to take risks, there is a good chance your child will pick up on this behaviour. Parents who demonstrate low levels of self-esteem will likely see their child exhibiting the same behaviour. This is especially true for same sex parents and children. So, mothers to daughters and fathers to sons – you are automatically going to be one of the most influential people in your child’s life. If you want your child to feel great about his or her self, show them how to do it. Don’t preach it – live it. Read books, attend workshops, go for coaching – do whatever it takes for you to learn the tools so you too have a healthy self-esteem for yourself! 

How is Self-Esteem Impacted by Perception?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I love the saying, the glass is half full, but my child seems to see life the opposite way. She puts herself down a lot! How is her perception of the world impacting her self-esteem – or is it?

Answer:
One of the most amazing parts of being human is that we control our perception. Think of perception as the lens with which we see the world. It’s like a pair of sunglasses; it affects how we see and interpret all the events in our life. When I coach youth, I try to help them understand what kind of perception or what kind of sunglasses they are wearing. There are two main types of sunglasses: Best Friend Sunglasses and Worst Enemy Sunglasses. If I’m wearing Worst Enemy Sunglasses, I will interpret all the thousands of events around me as very negative and harsh. If someone doesn’t talk to me, I might think, “Of course they’re not talking with me - why would they talk with me.” If I don’t get a mark I want on a test, I will interrupt that as another signal that I’m worthless – nothing in my life is good. One of the most rewarding parts of my job is when I am able to help youth understand that they control which sunglasses they’re wearing. Many of us are fantastic at giving advice to others but we don’t give advice to ourselves. That’s because we wear the Worst Enemy Sunglasses when viewing ourselves and the Best Friend Sunglasses when we view others. If you want to feel great about yourself, start wearing the Best Friend Sunglasses when viewing yourself and listen and live out the great advice you give others.